UI DIARIES (EPISODE 7)

EPISODE 7

(continuation from Episode 6)

More than puzzled, I turned to him fully. “Care to explain what that means?”

Closing his laptop, “Have you imagined yourself in a room full of people and yet you still feel like you are the only one there? You know, like there’s sort of a divide holding you back from connecting to these people and not because you are doing that intentionally but because there’s a kind of disconnect in how you feel and see things versus how they do. You feel everyone is so wrapped up in their own world that you feel inconsequential and little. That’s what loneliness feels like.

On the other hand, being alone is creating a world for yourself where you are in your own element. It’s a conscious decision though. You identify the path you want to walk and decided to build a foundation on that very path. It’s not that you won’t have help. You seek help but the moment you get the help, you go back to building your life.

Sighing deeply, I said “But I still think both are as a result of one’s conscious decision. You can decide to isolate yourself to loneliness and you can also choose to walk life alone. You are not forced to be lonely or being alone”.

Smiling, he cracked his fingers. “And you think that’s true?”

“I know it’s true”, I answered rolling my eyes.

For a moment I thought the conversation was done. Out of the corners of my eyes, I noticed him removing his baseball cap but he continued staring ahead. The next moment, he turned to me fully. Nothing could have prepared me for what I saw.

His face was a network of mangled flesh and scars. The right side of his face was pure and untouched. It seemed translucent with the sheer smoothness of it. But the left side…was a disaster. A thin long ugly lone scar tissue ran from his left ear to his forehead intersecting another one which looked like it had required more than a couple of stitches to hold the flesh together. His left eyes wasn’t spared in the disaster. Scar tissues littered his cheeks leaving deep gouges in place of flesh.

I couldn’t just stop staring. For several minutes, I continued the scrutiny as I couldn’t seem to piece together why his face was mangled that much.

With a deep barely audible voice, he began. “I had a accident when I was fifteen. I was in a car coming from school that afternoon. The car had an head on collision with another car. My face went through the windscreen. For hours I was stuck in the car waiting for rescue. The glass had eaten deep into my face before help could come. Shards of glass were picked out of my face but…”, he paused. “I already had this”, he said motioning to his face. Listening with rapt attention, I swallowed.

He continued, ” What I want to drive across is that, loneliness is not a conscious choice. Look at me. After the accident happened, I couldn’t bare to look at myself in the mirror. I couldn’t go to school without my classmates flinching. My parents tried to hide it but I could see pity in their eyes whenever they looked at me. Everyone I turned to had pity in their eyes. They couldn’t seem to relate the young vibrant boy to the shell I had become. I became lonely. People would avoid me and walked on eggshells around me.”

” I was surrounded by loads of people who felt they had to be there for me but loneliness sank in. Everyone thought they understood what I was going through and could feel the pain I was passing through but even in my pain I was still lonely. No one could feel what I was going through because they hadn’t walked my path. They didn’t understand what it felt like to be an onlooker in one’s life. Always watching from the outside a world you could never belong no matter how hard you tried. If that isn’t loneliness, what is?

My eyes had become heavy and my nose had this burning sensation signalling the onslaught of tears. Rubbing my hands across my eyes, I hugged my legs to myself.

Readjusting his cap, ” In this life ehn, always remember one thing. If you don’t demand and fight for your happiness from life, it wouldn’t hand it over willingly. Whether you choose to be alone or you’re lonely, create your own happiness. Your idea of happiness might not tally with the normal but as long as you’re fufilled in God and you are happy, go for it.”

” If I had continued to wallow in self pity and had sank into depression, it was my fault. Why? Because we all have scars. Some are physical while others are soul deep. Just like every other human being on earth battling their demons, you deserve to be happy. Everyone has scars. It’s part of what makes life worth living because you’ll be remembered of the fact that at a point in time, you fought a battle, you conquered and you have the war scars to prove it. It shows you are warrior”.

He straightened his jacket and stood up, hitching his backpack on his shoulders, he crossed the log of wood.

Adjusting his cap low on his face, he said ” My dear, we all deserve a happy ending. Why? Because we are still breathing, still fighting and we deserve to be happy. Enjoy the rest of your day”.

Face wet with tears, I called after him ” You didn’t tell me your name”. His only answer was a mock salute and a short wave. Drying the lone tear running down my cheek, I said to myself “Kehinde you deserve to be happy”.

(To be continued… Comments are highly appreciated… Thanks)